I know, rather, I feel that we have come to a certain point. An emotion has rolled over me that tells me one thing; we are growing apart. It’s happened before, and so many other times. I guess it is what people do; they find each other, and then for some reason, they lose each other along the way again in an infinite butterfly effect of serendipitous moments and strange attractors.
I see you before my eyes as the perfect individual you have become these last few months. I see it so clearly in my mind’s eye. It is so vivid that it can only be real. This has been the first time, in a while, that I feel, or rather, sense it. There is a strange taste in the air. I feel a premonition. It flashes and signals that something has changed, or that it is about to. It’s a funny feeling when you know something will change; you don’t know it for sure, but something tells you that it has actually already changed.
We grew close in the short time we’ve spent together; best friends and all the bells and whistles. I always hate it when it changes the fear of being alone stifles me. But that’s exactly what I have learnt this time, from you. We do not own each other!
In this sense, we cannot force one another to act in a defined way. If we get upset once we realise the other has changed or if we feel that they are acting outside their character. We lose. Because then we know we thought we owned that person.
I don’t know.
Maybe it has been entirely my fault.
Maybe it is me and not you? Maybe you tried to change me from the lesser individual that I was to a better and fully functioning version of myself.
Who really knows now?
But that stinging pain in the corpus that trickles down to the heart is bad. It is really really … awful. It’s more than that but you asked me to be polite this time, so I will.
I’ve felt it before but I don’t know if it’s me this time. I don’t know if it’s the normal condition, that people ebb and flow. We meet, greet and retreat from relationships and the people we know and love.
Have I stagnated this past time, have I grown obtuse? Or what is it? I know it is bothering me, but that’s nothing, is it bothering you?
Or are you still in the lull of ‘everything’s fine,’ that the world is a rainbow and pretty divine.
Am I distraught because I hate change or that I never expected you to change? Whichever I have to grieve and propel myself from the laurels I have been resting on. Even though the laurels were only a dainty sliver of achievement, they have brought me this far. In essence, I must admit, “…that it is time for a change in me.” Will it happen overnight, maybe not? But it could happen because I have lost my connection with you and the place that it anchored me to.
This is probably my goodbye to you. I’m not sure. I don’t like saying it upfront. I don’t like making a fuss with streams of emotion. I like quietly retreating and forgetting that it ever happened.
Then one day, I will kick up the dust and I see the familiar face of a girl like you. In her hair are the memories that were made. She flicks it back and winks. We are at the beach and she flies down crashing into the waves. I sit back and watch from the dune my feet are dug deeply into the sand. She smiles and tucks her hair behind her ear; she looks at me for the last time. I can feel a warm river flowing down my eyes.
Two blinks and she’s gone, she’s not to the left or the right. She might be in the water but surely not for this long.
Were you ever there?
How long had I been sitting here, alone?
I walk back to the house, the wind sweeps up the sand. The mild outline of something that was once there, forms and dissipates, as the sand-gust travels across the horizon.